Extreme Middle-Aged Husband Needs Additional Space to Make Room For Totally Reasonable Hobbies. No room for wife.
Free to a good home, one really loved, really cherished wife. Wifey comes with well-articulated views on most contemporary subjects. She is well read, keeps abreast of current politics and world events and will provide you with endless hours of conversation about these events. Should you be one of those people who reads the paper in the morning because you, too, are interested in current events, you might consider having your subscription delivered to the office because wifey will want to share her views with you starting around 5:30 each weekday morning. One of the really good things about Wifey is that you almost never have to guess what she is thinking. You will always have a first-hand blow-by-blow account of how life occurs for her and, as she has reminded me many times over our 30 years together, “we talk about things until we are done talking about them.” Weekend pontificating is typically (read mercifully) skipped because she likes to see our grandchildren on weekends and they distract her from things like reading the paper and listening to CNN.
Wifey will arrive with everything she needs to become a beloved member of your household. This includes many dozen shoes, boots and sneakers, which are all similar in both style and color, the color ranging from various shades of brown to various shades of black. She has a single pair of kitten-heels in blue suede so every dress outfit she has has to match these heels. I wouldn’t worry about that too much, however, because, according to wifey, everything matches her blue suede kitten-heels by declaration alone. While you will seldom see these blue suede kitten-heels, you will see every other pair of shoes Wifey owns because she has a no-shoes-in-the-house rule. This no-shoes-in-the-house rule results in no less than five pair of shoes puddled at the back door at all times, with another pair or two on the stairs on their way to the closet and at least one pair under the kitchen table where Wifely likes to write. For some reason, the shoes hardly even see the custom closet (one of Wifey’s conditions/demands when deciding on whether or not to buy this house) where they have their very own home.
If you like a lot of stimulation and surprise, you will love this aspect of living with Wifey. If there is one thing she is really good at, it is changing, for instance, a perfectly good furniture arrangement into a different and “better” furniture arrangement. But, do not fear, this is not limited to furniture arrangements. This little perk can include every single aspect of your life such as your own personal drawers, closet space, the arrangement of tools in your work area, your personal hygiene items and medicines, even if they are kept in your own bathroom cabinet at your own sink, and so forth. If you are prone to getting up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I recommend a small head lamp (available at Amazon) so that you do not run into an end table that used to be next to your bed, but is now across the room so that you can have the maximum benefit from the lavender diffuser that Wifey will set up to improve your “sleep hygiene”, a phrase that I couldn’t believe even existed until it came out of Wifey’s mouth.
If you are the type of family that worries about your carbon footprint and therefore purchased a small economy car, then you will really enjoy riding in Wifey’s top of the line Black Jeep Grand Cherokee. It is big enough for you to move almost anything you will ever need to move including things like refrigerators, beds, couches and so forth. The experience of riding inside is like driving in your living room and it has things like seat warmers and seat coolers, automatic windshield wipers, automatic lights, settings for five different terrains, in case you spend a lot of time climbing roads with large rocks and sand, and automatic chasse adjustment based on speed and terrain choice. When you get to the end of your ride, Wifey will press a “special button” which will lower the chasse so you can get out of the vehicle without the need of a small step stool, which she keeps in the back of the car because she cannot get into the tailboard of the vehicle without it. It takes a full five seconds for the chasse to drop and Wifey will encourage you to use this time to “breathe and center yourself” whatever the heck that means. When I turn off the ignition in my car, I do not need five seconds to “breathe and center” myself. I just get out of the car. Her Jeeps gets about 18 miles to the gallon; however, Wifey takes care of her own vehicle requirements so the enormous gas bill will not impact your monthly budget.
To schedule an interview please email richardjasaitis@gmail.com. Non-negotiable deadline of April 1, 2020. Serious inquiries only, please.