[Editor’s note: this piece is from a writing assignment I was given in a writer’s workshop I attended over the weekend. As is always the case, Hubs is a rock star in the world of husbands.]
Free to a good home: Extreme-middle-aged wife looking to downsize and cannot take husband with her.
One older husband, well broken in, but with plenty of miles left to go. Hubs comes complete with all the necessary equipment to quickly become a cherished family member, particularly if you have hobbies such as outdoor camping, listening to music, performance vehicles and craft beer.
You will want to make plenty of room for Hubs because almost upon arrival, he will want to create a sound proof area in which to set up his stereo system. The size of the room will determine whether he sets up the big rig or the small rig system. Do not worry about furniture for the room. He will remove all but two comfortable chairs and a table large enough to hold one remote and two beers. This will ensure that there is no issue with sound waves inappropriately bouncing off, say, an antique table or a large portrait of your beloved grandmother. Although Hubs is limited to 4000 albums on his personal hard drive, also included is a lifetime subscription to Tidal which gives you access to around 8 million songs, give or take. If you are a rock and roll, jazz, classical, quartet type music enthusiast, you will be in heaven. If you like country music or music with drum machines, this may not be the deal for you.
To enhance your listening pleasure, Hubs will set up a nano-brewery so you will have continuous access to craft beer. While he typically likes a lot of hops in his beer, he is amenable to brewing beers with less hops and is something of a genius at playing with the malt-to-hops ratio, which I find makes all the difference. You will find beer selections rotate by the season and he takes requests as long as you don’t ask for anything stupid like kombucha. You will need friends to help you drink the beer because Hubs is a bigger brewer than he is a drinker which also means that you will need at least one coffin size refrigerator to house the 5+ kegs that will always be on tap at your house.
You can do away with those costly vacations where you spend thousands of dollars on fancy hotel stays and expensive food and wine. Hubs comes equipped with enough camping gear to take up to five children on a week-long wilderness experience, typically 10,000 feet above sea level in, say Wyoming, or one of the National Parks. I would not be caught dead flying across the country and hiking a day and half just to camp in the wilderness, but our children seemed to have enjoyed it and yours might as well. Should you decide you are the outdoor type, you will need seven days of your paid time off for the five-day excursion to assure the required one day on either end of the trip for travel and for your body to adjust to the change in altitude. Hubs will provide all tents, sleeping blankets and mats, backpacks, bug spray, a 3.5-ounce stove for summer camping and an 11-ounce stove for winter camping, pots, pans, dishes, utensils, five days of dehydrated meals, fishing poles, knives, stuff sacks, emergency kits, bear spray and a GPS Satellite Communication System in case of emergencies not covered by the bear spray and the standard emergency kit.
If you are not the outdoor type, but do like a nice Sunday drive, you might enjoy a spin in Hubby’s candy apple red 2003 Nissan 350 Z. Don’t worry if you do not drive a stick shift because you will never sit in the driver’s seat and if you do, you are not likely be able to see over the steering wheel anyway. If you have lower back, hip or knee issues, you may need a steel grip handle (available on Amazon) to lower yourself in and to hoist yourself out of the car. Once in the car, you can sit back and relax. The vectors from the speed at which Hubby drives will keep you securely pressed against the back of the seat, but, as an aside, I always use my seatbelt anyway. Don’t worry about making pleasant small talk because the engine is way too loud to allow for any conversation.
Serious inquiries only. You must arrange for pick-up. No backsies.