I am an avid Podcaster fan. I find listening to podcasts a really good way to start the day, transition from one thing to another, power down at the end of the day, or make a morning’s worth of errands more pleasant. These days I am listening to The Happier Podcast by the dynamic sister combo Gretchen Rubin and Elizabeth Craft specifically, Gretchen Rubin is a writer who studies happiness and human nature, and her sister and podcast partner, Elizabeth Craft, is a writer and producer in Hollywood. The back and forth between these two is really easy listening, entertaining and in many areas of life they offer valuable tips and tricks that make life easier.
While the podcast covers so many areas of life, I really love Gretchen’s work around personality types which she calls The Four Tendencies. This is pretty different from other personality categories I have seen like Meyers-Briggs, Caliper, Enneagram, etc., although it does not exclude the value of any of those. The Four Tendencies (and emphasis on tendencies, not hard core behavioral traits rigidly applied to personalities across the board) are The Obliger, The Questioner, The Upholder and The Rebel. These tendencies answer the question “how do I respond to expectations?” and your personal tendency can be determined by taking a fairly simple quiz. Ruben freely admits that nothing, including The Four Tendencies, is “the perfect one-size-fits-all” answer, but I have to say that I do think that her research provides a valuable way to look at relationships.
According to the research the largest category is The Obliger. An Obliger is someone who meets both inner and outer expectations through outward accountability. Left to their own devices, an Obliger will be sure everyone else’s needs are met before they meet their own and they are typically only going to meet their own needs if they are held accountable by someone or something outside of their own thought process. Generally speaking, people love Obligers. They are easy to be with, get a lot done, are great employees and bosses and, at least according to Rubin, they can be trusted to really get the job done - as long as the “job” isn’t self care.
I am a classic obliger! People pretty frequently tell me how they admire how disciplined I am, or how much I can get done, or how organized I am, and I hasten to assure them that all of what they notice about me is because I have some accountability system in place. My actual real nature is to sit in front of the TV and watch the same bad shows over and over until I get hungry enough to go get a bag of crackers and some dip. On the odd day, I would get up and make some really healthy meal which I would then eat in front of the TV. That is my actual nature. But, since I know that about myself, and since I know that watching bad TV and eating junk food is not, sadly, the way to happiness and success, I have mastered some accountability system for every area of life that is important to me.
The next largest Tendency is The Questioner. Questioners resist outer expectations but meet inner expectations. Anytime I have a conversation with someone who seems to be going over the same thing repeatedly, I know I am in the presence of a Questioner. The classic overthinker is likely to be a Questioner, and while, at times, the circular thinking can drive me crazy, I have to admit that Questioners often think of things I would never have considered, and I have grown a lot from knowing Questioners. They are most likely to have the answer to the question “Does this make sense?” They are like the Sherlock Holmes of day to day life, looking under every leaf for the mite and the mighty! If I am looking to make a complicated decision, I find my favorite Questioner to help.
I have a client who is a Questioner and she recently moved from a home built in the 60’s that she and her husband renovated and customized over the 20-something years they lived there to a new modular home. While one would think that the new construction should be more weather proofed than an older home, my client felt like her new home was drafty and cold. She began her inquiry where most new home owners would, with the staff on site. They assured her that the home was adequately insulated and showed her the insulation plans. Of course, showing my client the plans just gave her more specific questions which the sales rep had no ability to answer. The sales rep finally brought in the head of the construction who agreed to do a second walk through of the unit. Clipboard in hand, my client walked the builder through the unit pointing to this and that until, finally, upon closer investigation, the builder found that they had, indeed, missed insulating around several window areas. It isn’t that my client was trying to be difficult, which I think might have been what the sale rep thought in the beginning, but rather she was in search of the answer to the question “How does it make sense that my new house is draftier than my previous house? How is it that the new windows let in a draft that the older 1960’s windows did not?”
The next largest Tendency is the Upholder and they easily meet both outer and inner expectations. Upholders are your rule followers and I have a love-hate relationship with this group. Sometimes, they can be the hardest group for me and, at the same time, as an Obliger, it is sometimes good for me to have my feet held to the fire. Personally, while I do love a good rule, and I do generally follow rules, I am also pretty quick to decide that a particular rule doesn’t apply to me. Upholders love the rules, they are comforted by the rules, and they need exactly no one to meet their expectations because they are self-motivated to do so. My husband and one of our children are Upholders and, while I admire the way they are able to approach certain areas of life, I have to also say that they can be a tad on the ridgid side for me. Hubs, for instance, buys his coffee on Tuesdays because Tuesday is double stamp day at the coffee place and he likes double stamps. He also likes a Dark Columbian bean ground on the “Turkish” setting. He buys two pounds at a time and is very specific about the entire coffee buying ritual. One time, I offered to do the coffee buying errand for him and he was extremely reluctant to take me up on this. Being lighter hearted and more whimsical in nature than he is, I decided to tease him by questioning his reluctance. Did he think I couldn’t actually do the errand? Did he didn’t think I wasn’t smart enough to buy coffee? Perhaps he was too controlling to “allow” his wife to buy the coffee? I was on a roll on and on questioning him until, eventually, he handed over the card and off I went. Turns out, while I did a whole boatload of errands that day, I forgot to get that doggone coffee! So, the next day, I go tearing into the coffee place and I tell the young woman behind the counter the whole story, except I cannot remember exactly if it is Dark Columbian or Dark Something else. And I THINK it is “Turkish” ground but I am not sure, but that my husband comes in every Tuesday and that he is never going to let me live down that I didn’t get the coffee on dumb-double-stamp Tuesday. She laughed and said she knew exactly who my husband was, that it is Dark Columbian, it is “Turkish” ground, that he comes in at 4:45 every other Tuesday like clockwork and that she would double stamp my card to cover the mishap. THIS is the life of an Upholder! The coffee buying rule is that you go every other Tuesday, get the same coffee, the same grind, the same double stamp. It took a pandemic to break that habit, despite the fact that we had two years earlier moved from the neighborhood where the coffee shop was located!
The final Tendency is The Rebel. Rebels resist both inner and outer expectations and will accomplish anything at all if and only if they want to do it in the first place. They are highly uncoachable, in my experience, and helpful suggestions or coaching either land flat or are rejected out of hand. I worked with a Rebel once and no matter what the clinical goal was, she would not meet any goal that was suggested to her by me, parents, teachers, or other professionals unless she felt like the idea was something she wanted independent of any other person, criteria or procedure. So, when she returned back to college for the fourth time, I initiated a conversation about what she would do if she encountered any of the previous injustices that had her withdraw. She declined the conversation saying that she could handle it this time - it was a different college, she was a different person, she had grown a lot in the past year. No matter how I approached the topic - her goals, drawbacks of dealing with colleges in general, typical issues between the bursar's office and admissions, deadlines, roommates, and so forth, she had an answer and the answer was mostly that I should butt out. By contrast, if she ASKED me for something, a suggestion, advice, an opinion, it was a completely different game. I had her full attention. My experience of being with Rebels has shown me that they do not deal in reality and they ignore facts. Of course, this is not true. What is true is that they are ignoring other people’s input, expectations, and requirements. Heck, Rebels will even ignore their OWN ideas of what is good for them if they feel like the idea is too agreed upon in general. For example, a Rebel is the kind of person who will not stop smoking because it is good for their health but, instead, say that they are not going to let the US Government or the CDC or those research nerds dictate what they do to relax. On the other hand, If THEY come up with an observation of reality that aligns with their wants or needs or THEY research the facts and they decide the facts work for them, they can be totally on board. The most frequent phrase I utter to Rebels is “I don’t know. You tell me,” to which they often reply, “Why should I tell you if you don’t know?”
What I like about thinking about the people in my life and their possible tendencies is that I feel like knowing the strengths and weaknesses of the tendencies gives me a map to the intersection of my tendency and their tendency and that map helps me predict what I will need and what they will need so that we can enjoy what we love about each other and not have to spend time working through communication. We’re having a party in a couple of weeks and I knew I would need some help and decided to ask my Upholder daughter if she could help me accomplish some tasks, make some food, do some general prep for the gala event. Here’s how it went -
I sent a text saying “Hey! Do you have any time to help me get some stuff done for the party next week?” how to interact in a way that works for everyone.
She responded, “Yes, I can do that. I need a day and time and what errands you want to get done so that I can plan that in my week.”
I wrote, “Why don’t you tell me what works for you because I can probably work around your schedule.”
Her response, “I can do Monday, Tuesday and Thursday during the day while the kids are at camp. I can do Tuesday evening when we are scheduled to get together anyway, if you want to do that. I can do Wednesday evening, but I would have to bring the kids. I also have two hours on Friday afternoon.”
Classic text between us! When I asked the question, I had zero idea when I wanted to do these errands. Heck! I have zero idea of what errands I even need to get done. Even now, less than a week to go, I still don't have a list of what I want to get done, but rather a general idea of what we might need. And, my list will start with flowers, helium balloons and games to play, when what we are going to really need to know is who is bringing what to eat, will there even be enough food and do we have insurance for the rental property. But, thank God for the Upholders in my life, for their “rigidity”, for their commitment to the rules, and the structure they bring. It’s a joint effort that will ensure that the event is festive, that there are mason jars with flowers, that there are balloons, games, music AND food, drinks and people showing up on the right day at the right time!